So yesterday I turned on the computer & was reading the "news" on my AOL homepage. And in between the "Dougherty Gang Capture" and the "Senator's Craigslist Scandal", I saw blurbs regarding Duchess Kate's wedding picture being photoshopped to make her look thinner (um... she is already a size 2 - WTF?!?), "My Mom Was Fat, So Was I (but now I'm not - just look at me & how I did it, I would assume is the rest of that sentence)", and finally, how The Gap has mannequins that are anorexic-sized and how they are "promoting anorexia" to fit into their clothes and people are "protesting". The thing is, this gives their stupid ass jeans the publicity they probably created themselves to show how thin the jeans make you look... then everyone buys their damn clothes to look "in-style", so the protests are a moot point. And if I went & joined a protest, it would be "because I'm fat and can't wear their clothes so I'm jealous & pissed" or some other lame thing. Not because I think it is wrong to push excessive thinness on our kids & society. I know a girl who is anorexic & trust me, it's not a "non-issue" - it's a huge ass health issue. And I love her & don't want her to die because Gap thinks it is a good idea to have pants with a leg diameter of 5 inches or some ridiculous thing & they promote their "skinny jeans" as the new cool thing for fall. It PISSES me off. And for the record, I wouldn't wear them even if I WAS a size 2 - they don't look comfortable at ALL. yuck.
Then today, I was just reading someone else's blog (Catalytic Reactions - love her!) & she was talking about how she is in an "openly fat" relationship with her husband. She doesn't expect him to bullshit her about being thin-looking because... well, she ISN'T thin - and this freaky, crazy thing happens: he accepts her just as she is & he loves her - fat & all. I think I love her husband too... :)
I'm so glad I'm not the only one being "openly fat"! When I talk casually about being fat in front of my students (& staff) and they are always SHOCKED that I would say that about myself (especially the students!). They look at each other with this "Oh my god - she actually said she was fat out loud" look - wanting to laugh, but afraid to - and I can see they agree with me, really, but then invariably, someone says, "No, you aren't, Chmel - you are beautiful!". I think they see fat and beautiful as mutually exclusive - no way - can't be both!!!
But I disagree - yes, I am beautiful... AND I'm fat. It's really not a secret - you only have to look to see. And as long as I feel beautiful, I am. And oddly, I have found that as the year goes on, those who only saw the fat at first will actually see the beautiful by the end of the year. :) How neat is that? I always hope that I am someone who can be inspirational and life changing to some small extent in making people see that being different from society's accepted "thin is the only beautiful" is cool, fun, and simply "alright". I love myself for who I am; my husband, my kids & family & true friends do too. And that makes me happiest of all...
With that said, (I think I will always be beautiful regardless of my weight) I am still working on losing weight for health purposes. Not because of societal norms. I have lined up a workout partner for when school starts again so I make sure I'm going daily to the Y again. I have managed to stay in the 220's for this whole year - I think my body is finally accepting that I will not be heading back up the scale. :) I am at 228 currently (with fluctuations, of course, but not over 230) and I am able to fit into clothes that are a couple sizes smaller than the baggy, don't-bother-to-unzip, just-pull-'em-on-because-they-are-too-big shorts I usually wear (I've worn holes in the seams of the butt pockets from over-use, but I love them). Even my jeans - I had to give my very VERY favorite jean capris with the embroidery on the bottom to Goodwill at the start of summer. Couldn't even justify keeping them - they would practically fall off when I walked & they actually made me look fatter than I am. So I've made improvements in my toning, thanks to strength training workouts mixed in with a bit of cardio (Seriously, get a trainer to learn about this - mine was freakin' incredible!! I learned so much!). I'm bummed I haven't been more faithful to going to the Y this summer (I had actually planned to go daily & then run in the evenings - totally didn't happen), but life also happens & I just haven't done it - no real excuses - as if I need to Excuse myself to anyone else anyway... I guess it just gives me an opportunity to step up to a new challenge this fall when school starts, and I'm ok with that too. I still have my totally cute "goal pants" waiting for me, and I am planning for them to fit by Christmas. When I go each day, and am good to myself with my eating of healthy foods, I THINK I should be able to be down to 200, which my doctor will be more than over-the-roof about. I'm hoping that it will make a huge difference in my health outlook now that I'm (gasp) 40. THAT would make me so happy....
But I could give a crap about fitting into Gap's jeans and having people look at me and think how thin I am. I'm feeling more like I wanna be Billy Ray in the quote from "Trading Places": "Lookin' good, Billy Ray!" "Feelin' good, Louis!"
I want to feel good & healthy & powerful... and know that this body is strong & amazing no matter WHAT. But I don't give 2 shits if you think I'm fat - I already know I am. And I'm beautiful.... I already know that too. :)
But feel free to tell me I'm beautiful anytime - I never get tired of hearing it.
I don't think I could have fit into those "skinny" jeans when I was 12 - they have no butt, no hips, no thighs - seriously, they are made for skeletons! Society needs to realize how dangerous this is, in college I weighed 98 lbs my junior year and thought I was "fat" by social standards - I look at pictures of myself from those days now and think I look sickly! I also notice watching old TV shows, that kids look much "larger", but much healthier! I look at some of the junior high and high school students I teach today and wonder what they are doing to their bodies to be so "rail thin". Consumerism's obsession with being a size zero is indeed frustrating. Interestingly when I was still exercising at the "Y" here in Indy - an African-American woman was doing my initial measurements and helping me set goals, etc - I told her I wanted to lose weight and she looked at me cross-eyed, her response was "you don't need to lose weight, you just have "black-girl booty" - and she further instructed to tell me about jeans that would fit......I had never laughed so hard!! It was direct but so true, I know no matter how many hours I exercise or how much I try to eat healthy, my back side will ALWAYS be too large for skinny jeans and that is A-OK!! :-)
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